It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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