Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
