the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
