My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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