nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize