I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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