Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
