He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
