he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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