the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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