So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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