I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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