How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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