my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
