I can text with my tongue
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
