You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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