guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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