I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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