I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
