it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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