I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
