Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
from now on my penis is your penis
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
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