Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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