I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
