Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
