Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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