No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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