was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
