she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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