The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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