Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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