Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
