I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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