Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
