well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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