First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
