I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
