Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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