I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
