so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
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