So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize