I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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