More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
