umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
