Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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