either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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