he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
