Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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