I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Randomize
