i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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