He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
