You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Life is so much better after having sex.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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