that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'm bleeding and have questions
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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