it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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