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The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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