He disabled his match.com account in front of me
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
