i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
