I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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