I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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