my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
