You're completely useless in the revolution.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
