Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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