Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Randomize