I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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