if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
