We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I need moral support for this bender
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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