Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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