Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
